What Makes a Good Friend? Healthy vs. Unhealthy Friendships for Teens and Young Adults

Introduction:

Hi! Friends shape the way young people see themselves and the world. A good friend can make a stressful week feel manageable, encourage healthier choices, and be a steady source of support during transitions. A draining or unkind friendship can do the opposite. For many teens and young adults, the challenge is not only finding friends, but also understanding what a healthy friendship looks like in practice, and what to do when a relationship stops feeling safe or respectful.

This guide explains how friendships influence mental health, how to distinguish between supportive and unhealthy dynamics, and how to build connections that last. It is written for youth and young adults, and it is also useful for parents, educators, and counselors who want to help.

Why friendships matter for mental health

Strong social connections protect mental health. Youth who feel connected to peers and adults at school are less likely to experience symptoms of anxiety and depression, and more likely to engage in positive health behaviors. Connection also predicts better academic engagement and resilience during stress. These benefits come from everyday ingredients, such as being seen, being listened to, and having reliable people to turn to when things are hard. When those ingredients are missing, loneliness rises, self-doubt grows, and school or work can start to suffer.

Signs of a healthy friendship

Healthy friendships are not perfect. They are consistent, respectful, and safe enough to handle disagreements. Look for patterns like these:

• You feel relaxed and like yourself during and after time together.
• There is mutual effort. Both of you initiate plans, check in, and apologize when needed.
• Boundaries are respected. You can say no without being punished, pressured, or guilted.
• Differences are handled with curiosity rather than contempt.
• There is honesty without cruelty. Feedback is offered kindly and at the right time.
• You root for each other’s growth, even when paths diverge.

If most of these are present most of the time, the relationship is probably healthy.

When a friendship turns unhealthy

Red flags often appear as a pattern, not a single moment. Pay attention if you notice:

• You feel tense, smaller, or careful with your words to avoid blow-ups.
• Put-downs, gossip, or “jokes” that target your insecurities.
• Keeping score, chronic one-sidedness, or transactional support.
• Pressure to do things that violate your values.
• Boundary pushing, oversharing your secrets, or monitoring your online activity.
• Hot-and-cold behavior that keeps you guessing where you stand.

If you see several of these, it is reasonable to pause, reset boundaries, or create distance.

How to strengthen or reset a friendship

1. Name what you need. Before talking, write down what would make the friendship feel better. For example: more balance in planning, less sarcasm, or time apart after conflict.
2. Use clear language. Try: “I value our friendship. Lately, I have felt judged when I share something vulnerable. I need us to support each other without teasing.”
3. Offer a path forward. Suggest one or two specific changes and ask what the other person needs from you.
4. Watch the pattern, not the promise. Improvement shows up in behavior over time. If nothing changes, protecting your well-being may mean stepping back.
5. Grieve and grow. Ending or loosening a friendship is hard. It also creates room for healthier connections.

Building new connections, online and offline

• Start where interests already live. Clubs, volunteering, sports, faith groups, creative meetups, study groups, and part-time work put you near people who like what you like.
• Be a small-talk starter. Ask about a project, a playlist, or an event. Small talk lowers the barrier to real talk.
• Follow up. A simple message after a good conversation can turn a moment into a friendship.
• Use social platforms mindfully. Online communities can be a lifeline, especially for specific identities or interests. Keep safety in mind, limit late-night scrolling, and move promising connections into healthier rhythms, like scheduled chats or in-person meetups where appropriate.

For parents, educators, and counselors

Model respectful communication and boundary setting. Create spaces where students can connect through shared interests and service. When a young person describes a painful friendship, validate first, coach second. Ask what they want the relationship to look like, then practice scripts and next steps together. If social struggles are tied to anxiety, depression, bullying, or neurodivergence, consider school supports or counseling.

Conclusion

Good friends help young people become more themselves. They make hard days lighter, celebrate growth, and tell the truth with care. Learning to choose, maintain, and sometimes release friendships is a core life skill. It takes reflection, courage, and practice, and it is worth the effort.

Further reading

• CDC: School Connectedness 
• Search Institute: Developmental Relationships Framework
• Child Mind Institute: Helping Teens Build Friendships
• American Psychological Association: The Risk of Social Isolation